Rape Jokes & Bystander Intervention

Rape jokes are not acceptable. I can forever be the feminist on a soap box intervening with every comment I hear- but it doesn't mean anything coming from me. If I am not their friend or a person they respect, why should it matter that I'm offended?

This is why it's so important for people (particularly men) to speak up in their social circles when that type of comment is being made. Your friends are your friends because they like or respect you. If you're offended, maybe that'll matter more. Maybe you can have a deeper affect on their behavior.

As for the importance of why we need address such comments in the first place, I will defer to this article by Will Neville at RH Reality Check: Yale Fraternity's Chant Reveals Depth of Our Culture's Misogyny

"Walk it Off"

Here's a pretty simple rule when dealing with ANYONE: don't try to tell their story or explain how they should feel. I don't care how many friends of X minority you have, or that you knew a girl once with depression: you don't have all the answers.

Everyone has their own theory on overcoming victimhood. The process and timing is different for each person- which is okay. They can choose the label of victim, survivor, something else, or nothing at all. And for many people, being a survivor isn't something you just get over with enough time; that trauma will always be there for them.

But other people's pain makes us uncomfortable, so we'd really prefer if they could just get over it already, or at least stop talking about it. Really. Such a downer. Maybe sharing anecdotes of people who have chosen to reject victimhood and live their life free of their past will make the rest of those survivors stop whining!

Or, alternatively, we can recognize all emotions and reactions to trauma as valid. We can provide support and empathy, instead of criticism and unsolicited advice on recovery.

Which brings me to my take on the cartoon facebook profile pictures to raise awareness of child abuse: The benefits are low, and the overall effect is probably neutral. I've read at least one response from a survivor saying they appreciated the thought, but I've also heard the opposite response from people who feel their experience has been cheapened for a fake cause, or who just don't want a constant reminder every time they log on to facebook. All those responses are okay and understandable. What's not okay- participants who get defensive when someone reacts negatively to the campaign and label that person "too sensitive" or "too absorbed in their own victimhood". You don't get to tell a person that their reaction is wrong, and a good friend would be sympathetic to those feelings. Think before you post.

The Book of Bones

From Murambi, The Book of Bones by Boubacar Boris Diop (Warning: graphic violent imagery):

"You know what that means, Jessica Kamanzi? You know how they rape women?"

Yes, I had seen it. Twenty or thirty guys on a bench. Some of them old enough to know better. A woman, sometimes just a frail child, is stretched out against a wall, legs spread, totally unconscious. These good family men aren't into violence. It had chilled my blood to see them chichatting right at the moment when a whole life was coming apart under their very eyes. And among the rapists there are almost always, by design, some who have AIDS.

"I know how they do it," I said.

"When they've finished, they pour acid into your vagina or stick in pieces of broken bottle or pieces of metal."

As I prepare to leave for Rwanda, it becomes overwhelming: what can I possibly do in three weeks to make life any easier for these survivors? What can the world do? And how do we stop what we know is happening right now in the Sudan?

http://www.genocideintervention.net/how_you_can_help/take_action

LGBTQ Representation in Children's Movies

Most children are not aware of sexual orientation, but that doesn't mean they aren't aware of romance. It's treated as an essential aspect of every children's movie (or at least the “classics”), which is natural because love is an essential part of most people's lives. Yet, despite the emergence of same sex couples in other areas of pop culture, there are no such couples to be found in children's films.

There are glimmers of suggestion, such as Timon and Pumba in the Lion King, but there is nothing explicitly romantic. This omission perpetuates the problem of a lack of strong LGBTQ role models as teenagers and young adults start to discover their sexual identity. By failing to expose children to this type of diversity while they are young, we also fail to normalize and accept the various ways sexuality can be expressed.

Can we just acknowledge that Simba has two gay dads and that's awesome? And I'm keeping my hopes up for the day when we have a lesbian Disney princess.

Finals Thoughts on Women in Leadership

I just finished a week at the 21st Century Leadership Academy for Women in Public Life. Some of the take away points:

Be Fierce and Unapologetic
Women are far more likely than men to undercut their statements by apologizing or questioning their expertise. Say what you mean with conviction and don't apologize for going against the grain. If you stand up for what you believe and act ethically, there should be no reason to apologize.

Be Kind
Being unapologetic doesn't mean be cruel. Find empathy for other people and try to view the world as they do. The best leaders can connect with those they are leading. Even if there are people you simply cannot stand, fake a smile and at least be a decent human being. There is never a reason to burn bridges.

Don't Listen to Haters
There will always be someone telling you that you can't do something. Sometimes that person will even be yourself. Don't let it get you down. If possible use it to fuel your motivation, because it feels so good to prove them wrong later.

You Can't Have It All
Some of the most dynamic women I met this week, the ones that deeply impressed me, were very straight forward with their decision to skip a family and pursue their career first. None of them spoke of regret. They were so happy with their work that it didn't feel like a loss. Contrary to the myth the "unfulfilled business woman", it's possible to change priorities and not be miserable. That's not to say that the women with families weren't just as successful and happy, but there are other options.

When in Doubt, Turn to GaGa
"Some women choose to follow men and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you it doesn't love you anymore." - Lady Gaga

Being a Feminist Leader

Traditional leadership often functions by creating top down hierarchies, which of course always leaves someone powerless at the bottom. Feminists, who value equality above all else, often reject this structure in search of something more inclusive. But is inclusivity the most effective way for an organization to function?

Without a leader to take charge and make final decisions, groups can flounder. It often helps to have a strong personality that is not afraid to make decisions, but for those decisions to matter the person must authority to make them. This is the primary benefit of having a organization president. The other executive officers typically offer advice and support. Unfortunately, in a lot of groups this leaves the members to be nothing but grunt workers with no say in what will happen. Of course, they always have the option to run for an officer position, but vying for power doesn't make for satisfied volunteers.

Being a feminist leader requires one to walk the line between efficiency and fairness. It often takes far longer for a feminist organization to accomplish anything in comparison to other groups because we spend so much time in discussion. Even if it slows the process to hear all voices, it's essential to creating a better society. Social justice topics are often deeply personal to those advocating them. There can be no right answer for everyone, nor should there be. Being a feminist means listening to and respecting this diversity of opinions.

For a group to succeed and maintain feminist values, it cannot simply do away with all roles of power. Instead, they should seek leaders who are empathetic and respectful, while still able to be assertive in a non-alienating way. It can be uncomfortable to take this leadership role, because it's difficult to be respectful of everyone and you will hurt someone (and this can be emotionally painful for social justice groups). My advice to all social justice leaders is to take the time to learn as much as possible, but in the end make the decision you think is right and don't be apologetic. Accept that feelings will hurt, but don't agonize over it and continue to reach out to those folks.

Be fierce! Be confident.

In Search of Sanguinary Creeps

I would describe my taste in music as “charming eclectic”, but one mainstay for many years has been of Montreal. My last.fm profile can read as an obsessive tribute to Kevin Barnes. Although my favorite album or song changes frequently, but I have always been fond of “Forecast Fascist Future”.

This is the chorus:
Boredom murders the heart of our age
While sanguinary creeps take the stage
Boredom strangles the life from the printed page

The middle line bothers me. I doubt Of Montreal is referring to themselves, the Decemberists, or any other white non-mainstream artist. Their intention is debatable, but I've always assumed they're referring to violence in mainstream rap culture. Generally, when we question the effect of violent music on society, we only look toward genres dominated by African American artists.

I'm not saying that mainstream rap doesn't contain violent and misogynistic imagery, but that alternative music is just as guilty. One doesn't need to search far to find gangs, revenge, misogyny, homophobia, and intimate partner violence. Yet these issues are largely ignored, romanticized, or written off as art. This disconnect has roots in race and class inequalities. Perhaps we are not bothered because white middle class kids are deemed less likely to be a violent risk. In reality though, violence occurs across race and class lines.

The actual societal effect of violent imagery is another debate, but if we are going to condemn any music for glorifying violence, don't forget to look to the hipsters.